The Blue Baller :: Home of the Frustrated Basketball Fan

The Tournament of Assholes

The Blue Baller here, and I have just awoken from a period of intense self-reflection. It was but a few short weeks ago that I reached a critical juncture in my gonzo sports-blogging career with the publication of The All Herpes Team. This particular article not only stimulated some of the most passionate and creative responses from my readership (kudos to the ‘fan’ who attempted to transmit herpes to The Blue Baller via email), but it also resulted in my quick dismissal from The Score’s website as a regular columnist. So what should an attention-starved writer craving genuine commercial success to do?

To answer that question I crawled deep into the bowels of the Baller Cave and ruminated until I determined three clear courses of action:

Option 1: Tone down the columns so they are less offensive and more suitable for mainstream publication.

Option 2: Cover more traditional areas of sports journalism, such as reporting on games and commenting on recent news.

Option 3: Become even more offensive, to the point where my readers and I are forced to question our own humanity.

I have chosen Option 3. As such, I have the pleasure of bringing to you my latest creation, The Blue Baller’s Tournament of Assholes (TOA).

What’s the TOA?
It’s simple: Picture your favourite basketball tournament. Now fill it with assholes. Think the Final Four crossed with Monster’s Ball, set in Oz, and sponsored by Cops. That's right, the teams in this tournament are not merely players drafted by a particular franchise, they are teams bound by a more meaningful thread: a common human weakness.

How does a player make a team?
Let me make this perfectly clear:
- Possess superior basketball skills? Super, go coach a kid.
- Have a winning attitude? Dandy, go write a book.
- Murder your limo driver and shoot your pet dog? Welcome home Jayson Williams, you’ve got a roster spot in the Tournament of Assholes!

So who wins?
That’s the best part—it’s up to you! After I preview all of the teams over the next two weeks (and figure out how to set-up an online poll), you will vote on which particular set of talented athletes/deeply flawed human beings that you feel should win the title of Champion Asshole. For a man is not an asshole, until his fellow man titles him so.

So tell your friends. The Blue Baller is back, and this frustrated basketball fan is ready to fucking blow.

Next Week: Preview of the Miscreant Division

- The Blue Baller

TOA: The Miscreant Division

Welcome back to the Tournament of Assholes (TOA)!  It’s the Blue Baller here and I have the pleasure and honour of presenting to you the left-hand side of our tournament bracket: The Miscreant Division.  Remember, the winner of the TOA is ultimately up to you, so lean in like a victim behind a one-way mirror and take a good hard look at the starting line-ups of Packin Heat, The Lane Violators, The Munchies, and The Beaters!

Introducing Packin Heat, a team filled with proud owners of the NBA’s most fashionable accessory—the loaded unregistered handgun!  These players are not only talented, they also possess that rare combination of rampant paranoia and poorly developed social skills.  So attention opponents and liquor store clerks, when Packin Heat hits your town, Duck!

Captain: Allen Iverson
AI’s custom-made handgun allows him to shoot over 35 shots in a single evening.

Marcus Fizer
Go ahead, remind him how good he was in college.  Seriously, I dare you. 

Gilbert Arenas
Unresolved anger issues?  Well, his name is Gilbert.

Anthony Peeler
Wonder why KG didn’t retaliate when Peeler hit him with that cheap shot last year?

Scottie Pippen
Pippen’s Gun: Smith & Wesson’s Second Banana.  This pistol’s superior engineering and built-in silencer feature ensures that the shooter achieves maximum success, while attracting minimal attention—even if they are desperately seeking recognition for their accomplishments.

 

When you’re playing The Lane Violators, don’t expect to be in the driver’s seat!  This team features a dangerously up-tempo offense with players who drive the lane with reckless abandon, giving no thought to causing injury to themselves or others!  These players find victory intoxicating, and refuse to ever take a night off or a taxi ride home!

Captain: Rod Strickland
Anyone feel comfortable riding shotgun with 4-time DUI offender Rowdy Roddy?  Uh, thanks for the offer Rod, but I’ll just hop on the back of this dirt bike with the blind armless guy.

Stephon Marbury
2001.  Jerry Colangelo on trading recently arrested Jason Kidd for Marbury:  “I need to ensure that this is a team comprised of individuals of character that this is a team that Phoenix fans can be proud of.”
2002.  Jerry Colangelo on Marbury’s DUI conviction: “At least he’s not a wife-beater”

Zach Randolph
This promising southpaw forward is a symbol of consistency.  Every night he’ll give you 20 and 10 from the left-block and 80 in a 40 in the left-hand lane.  Honk!

Kwame Brown
Can you imagine the pressure of being personally selected as the #1 pick straight out of high-school by the greatest player in NBA history to help him win a Championship and complete his legacy?  It’s enough to drive a man to drink and drive.

Dennis Rodman
In 1993, a suicidal Dennis Rodman was found in his truck in a Detroit parking lot with a loaded shotgun.
In 2004, a drunk Dennis Rodman was found on a motorcycle after partying all night at Los Vegas strip club. 
Folks, this is progress.

Don’t be fooled by the lackadaisical demeanor of The Munchies, this team can light it up!  Whether it’s clogging the lane to the hoop or the lane through Airport security, these players also have an unquenchable hunger for solid interior defense.  So stock up the buffet table and sound the Burning Spear—here come The Muchies!

Captain: Damon Stoudamire
“Mr. Stoudamire, did you pack this bag and are aware of all of its contents?” 
“Everything but the 2 ounces of weed in tin-foil.  It bought that shit pre-wrapped.”

Rasheed Wallace
“Please leave your message after the beep: Yo Sheed, its Damon.  I’m marinatin' here with the Camby-Man, and we’ve come up with a dope way for you to chill out and stop getting all of those T’s.  Meet me an hour before tip-off in the back of my van.”

Carmelo Anthony
“Please leave your message after the beep:  Hey Melo?  It’s me, The Blue Baller.  Listen, thanks again for letting me crash at your place after camping last weekend, but uh, you know that backpack you leant me?  Well, uh, I think I might have left something in it.  So, yeah, uh, I’ll need to get that back.  Call me as soon as you get this.”

Keon Clark
“Please leave your message after the beep:  Hi Keon, this is your agent Tony Dutt.  Remember when I told you I could get $7M per year?  Well I guess I should have clarified that I based that number on you NOT getting arrested for marijuana possession during my contract negotiations with the Sacramento.  Hope you enjoyed that joint—you’re getting the mid-level exception.”

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
“Mr. Jabbar, what do you plead?”
“Not guilty Your Honour. I’m a skinny old man who suffers from glaucoma and terrible headaches.  I’m not sure if marijuana was made for me, or if I was made for marijuana.”
“Dismissed.”

Well the honeymoon is over when The Beaters come to town!  This is one volatile group with the two key habits of every successful team: (1) they are far more aggressive at home than they are when they are away, and (2) they never play down to the competition—they actually take pleasure in beating weaker opponents!  Just don’t try to disrespect them on their home court or bitch about taking out the garbage!

Captain: Jason Kidd
Conventional Wisdom: Joumana Kidd joyfully attends every Nets game because she wants to show support for her husband.
Blue Baller Wisdom: Joamana Kidd is so happy at Nets games because it is the only time she feels safe.

Glenn Robinson
Does George Karl only coach teams filled with assholes, or does he actually have the power to turn his players into assholes too?  Discuss.

Dale Ellis
During his time in the NBA, Ellis’ opponents found themselves vulnerable to interior penetration when defending against his deadly outside shooting.
During his time in prison, Ellis found himself vulnerable to interior penetration when defending himself against his deadly shooting inmates.

Kurt Thomas
"Listen to me!  Look I’m talking to you!  Look at me—here, in my properly-functioning eye!"

Jason Richardson
Slam Dunk Champ J-Rich plans to defend his title this year with his new dunk called The Restraining Order.  He will attempt to leap over his ex-girlfriend who is holding their 4-year old son and violently dunk the basketball.  If he touches her, Richardson spends All-Star Weekend in the pisshouse.

Think The Miscreant Division is tough?  You haven’t seen anything yet.

Next Week: Preview of the Hellion Division

The Blue Baller is a lover, fighter, and Toronto-based freelance writer. He can be reached at [email protected]

TOA: The Hellion Division

It’s Big Blue here and I am delighted to introduce our remaining teams for the Tournament of Assholes (TOA)—the teams of The Hellion Division. But this time with a surprise! Since I’m still punchdrunk with second-hand adrenalin from Fan Appreciation Night in Detroit, I have decided to enter a new TOA team: The Motown Brawlers!

Only in a stadium a beer-toss away from 8-Mile can you see fans fighting athletes in the stands. Can you imagine how Raptor fans would react if Artest charged up the ACC bleachers? We would show Ron our tickets stub, ask him politely to vacate our seat, and apologize for getting in the way of his flailing fists. That is until the first beer spilled, then you’d see Superfan pull out his ceremonial Raptor dagger and do his best Young Buck impression.

So without further ado, I introduce The Motown Brawlers, The Deadbeats, The Bloody Knuckles, The Romantics, and the Wild Cards!

There’s no rust on The Motown Brawlers, these players are sharp and fresh from battle! Sure team chemistry is a bit of an issue, but these ballers play each game like it is their last of the season. Plus they won’t stop until they become Champions and have the chance to shower each other with champagne and beer!

Captain: Ron Artest
“Look Ron, I realize you’re exhausted from the album, but try this—the next time you find yourself in a stressful situation, sit down, lay back, stare at the ceiling, and enjoy a nice cold beer.”

Guy with White Hat
“I’ll take the biggest, coldest, most aerodynamic glass of beer you got. Keep the lid.”

Steven Jackson
As advertised—the dependable offensive threat to take the pressure off Ron Artest.

Guy on the Court
“Bastards come to our gym and beat up our fans…..I can’t take it anymore….move out of my way…I’m going to show this guy what DETROIT-CITY is all about…here, watch out….OK, on the floor…here he is….right in front of me…..Jesus he’s big in person…Dear God No.”

Jermaine O'Neal
J.O rounded out his game by perfecting the Sliding Haymaker during the off-season.

Hey Kids! Make sure to buy your tickets early when the wildly popular Deadbeats visit your town! This team has a rapidly growing and genetically-similar fan base throughout all NBA cities (with the exception of Utah). These selfless players show fertile female fans their true appreciation by giving them the Ultimate NBA Souvenir, and then have the decency of never interfering in their lives again!

Captain: Shawn Kemp
Rainman’s Father’s Day Guest List: 14 Children, 12 Mothers, 12 Lawyers, 2 Drug Dealers, George Karl.

Willie Anderson
I can’t wait for Willie to break the news that he is actually Shandon’s father.

Sedale Threatt
The former Laker Point Guard never passed the ball or any court-ordered DNA tests.

Ralph Sampson
It was tough for Ralph to defend himself against the woman with the two 7-foot teenagers with missing knee cartilage.

Cliff Levingston
“Hello? Yes, I need a lawyer to represent me in a paternity suit against the Shooting Guard for the World Champion Chicago Bulls…Yes, I guess this could be very lucrative…Well his name is Cliff Levingston…Hello?”

You like throwin ‘bows? Well team Bloody Knuckles likes bloodying ‘fros! This team loves to play physical and leave their opponents in a shapeless bloody pulp. Their offense revolves around the roll and pick, executed with a prisonyard shiv.

Captain: Charles Barkley
“Barkley? Party of 1? Your table next to the bar window is ready.”

Darrell Armstrong
In 2003, Darrell Armstrong was upset for being snubbed by All-Star Game Voters, so he decided to take out his frustrations by beating up on opponents instead. Now replace with All-Star Game Voters with 'taxis at a strip joint' and opponents with 'a female police officer'.

Latrell Sprewell
I will never understand why my Sprewell novelty necktie with interlocking finger-design never took off.

Gary Payton
“If The Glove don’t hit, you must acquit!” Hey, YOU KNOW the defense attorney wanted to use that!

Sam Cassell
New MGD Boys Night Out Promotion: 4 Tickets to a Raptors game, VIP service at For Your Eyes Only, fight with an NBA Player.

Watch out ladies, here come The Romantics! This team is so determined to score they will penetrate the most well guarded hole. These players want the satisfaction of personal conquest and will not take ‘no’ for an answer. I promise fans will be struck by their aggressiveness on the floor—be that floor made of hardwood or hotel room carpeting.

Captain: Anthony Mason
“I Get My Bare Butt Erect Like Anthony Mason
Then I Ride The Young Teen Right Up Till Eternal Damnation”

Kobe Bryant
“Hello, Room Service? I’d like to order the Number 8, hold the frosting.”

DeShawn Stephenson
You can take the boy out from high school, but you can’t take high school girls out from the boy.

Rueben Patterson
"Mommy, I want to dress up like a sexual predator this Halloween."
(Credit to The Almighty B-Huge)

Alvin Robertson
“Robertson's girlfriend testified she had accused Robertson of rape to get even with him after she felt he was disrespectful of her.”
Let’s just chalk this couple up to Kismet.

Sometimes an athlete comes along and does something so special, that you can hardly believe your eyes. Each player on The Wild Cards shares this connection—their actions go beyond classification. Sometimes they defy the laws of physics, often they defy the laws of humanity.

Captain: Isiah Rider
Ahhh, the NBA Dream—all the millions from your contract and endorsements, plus whatever you make from selling illegal cellular phones.

Jayson Williams
Want to get your mind off that bummer of a manslaughter trial? Shoot your dog!

Qyntel Woods
Speaking of dogs, I was delighted to see how Qyntel managed to find the last possible way on earth to distinguish himself as the most disturbed player on the Trail Blazers.

Olden Polynice
Polynice was charged with impersonating a police officer twice in one month, but was never questioned for his impression an NBA Power Forward for the last 10 years.

Vernon Maxwell
Hero for NBA fan-beaters everywhere. Rumour has it that the sentimental Ron Artest wears Maxwell’s Pelican Bay lowjack underneath his sock during pre-game warm-ups.

Well that's it folks, the teams of the TOA. Start reviewing the lineups, analyzing rapsheets, and talking to witnesses. Voting starts next week!

- The Blue Baller

The Blue Baller is a lover, fighter, and Toronto-based freelance writer. He can be reached at [email protected].

TOA: VOTE OR DON'T!

“Thunder on! Stride on! Democracy. Strike with vengeful strokes.”
- Walt Whitman

“For a man is not an asshole, until his fellow man titles him so.”
- The Blue Baller

Since the beginning of time, man has struggled to play a meaningful role in shaping the world around him; to have his voice heard and be an active participant in the political process. From a suppressed member of a proletariat fighting a ruthless dictator, to a brave suffragette advocating for her right to vote, to a Floridian Democrat trying to figure out how to correctly punch a ballot, citizens throughout history continue to fight.

But regardless of the political tenor or structure of the day, man has consistently held one inherent and unshakable right—the right to call someone else an asshole.

It is now time to exercise that right.

CLICK HERE to vote in the Tournament of Assholes!

The Blue Baller is a lover, fighter, and Toronto-based freelance writer. He can be reached at [email protected].

TOA: THE WINNERS!

Roll out the red carpet and uncork the pepper-spray, it is time to announce the winners of The Tournament of Assholes! That’s right voters, we have reached the end of our long and disturbing journey that has seen The Blue Baller spend more time researching assholes than even the most diligent proctology student. But as you will soon see, it has all been worthwhile. Now let's hand out some hardware.

Vice #1 Drugs: The Robert Downey Jr. Trophy
Winner: Damon Stoudamire
Despite facing stiff competition from one-man bachelor party Dennis Rodman, Damon managed to smoke out his rivals to win the The Robert Downey Jr. Award. Mighty Mouse may have felt vindication in the form of urinating weed-free piss in a reporter’s cup last season, but TOA voters were not so quick to forget the past transgressions of our favourite Visine-squirting, potato-chip eating, X-Box-playing point guard. Here’s hoping this award gives Damon the boost he needs to secure that lucrative endorsement deal that has eluded him since his Canadian Pert Shampoo spot in '96.

Vice #2 Women: The Ladies Choice Award
Winner: Shawn Kemp
With a pool of candidates convicted of crimes such as sexual assault and domestic violence, this was easily the most hotly contested individual award in the TOA. But alas, TOA voters took the high road and chose a lover, not a fighter in our Ladies Choice Award winner Shawn Kemp. Throughout his 14 year career, Kemp blew his wild outs throughout NBA cities like a hard sneeze on a cocaine-filled mirror. Multiple palimony suits notwithstanding, Kemp is a deserving winner and is arguably the NBA’s ultimate lover—a man who combines a Calvin Murphy-like sexual appetite with the moxie of Rick James. It’s a celebration bitches.

Vice #3 The Bloody Pulper Prize
Winner: Ron Artest
By a TKO! Timing is everything in the TOA as the still swollen hands of Ron Artest can now proudly grip The Bloody Pulper Prize over second-place finisher Jayson Williams. While voters from the Williams States may be disappointed with the result, lets face facts: Artest is about as balanced as a one-legged drunk surfing a teeter-totter. I mean, the man was so violent in the Motown Meltdown that Rick Mahorn felt compelled to restrain him. Listen closely, you can hear Kermit Washington sigh.

TOA MVP: The Ultimate Asshole
Winner: Jayson Williams
Got an asshole on your Christmas list? Well click on over to EBay and pick-up a Jayson Williams throwback because he is the TOA’s Ultimate Asshole! With the over-representation of limo-drivers and SPCA members in this year’s TOA voter pool, this one wasn’t even close. Better luck next year Kobe.

The Tournament of Assholes Champion
Winners: The Wild Cards
Blackjack! That's right, The Wild Cards are this year's TOA Dream Team…that is if you dream about killing dogs and impersonating police offers. Lead by TOA MVP Jayson Williams, this disparate and inevitably Hell-bound group fended off strong competition from the rival Miscreant Division in The Romantics and The Motown Brawlers. While The Wild Cards did not have the strong common bond held by their fellow competitors, the team managed to gel at just the right time, put their egos aside, and focus on what was most important. Congratulations assholes, I’ll see you all in hell.

- The Blue Baller

The Blue Baller is a lover, fighter, and Toronto-based freelance writer. He can be reached at [email protected].