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The Blue Baller is Dead

Famed for his cerebral brand of basketball analysis, subtle undercurrent wit, and big blue penis logo, The Blue Baller was found murdered Saturday morning on the floor of the Raptor Dance Pak dressing room in the Air Canada Centre. Toronto Police have refused to comment on widespread reports that the respected gonzo sports journalist was killed by an old Dance Pak flame who had grown jealous of his blossoming relationship with Raptor TV personality Norma Wick, as the investigation is ongoing.

The Blue Baller’s death in many ways mirrors his life—an unsolved mystery. Born in the early 1970s, The Blue Baller was the bastard son of Wilt Chamberlain and Toronto-area stripper, who reportedly delivered the infant on the same El Mocambo pool table upon which he was conceived. The remainder of The Blue Baller’s story remains a rich mosaic of rumour, lore, and legend.

Best known as the father of the Tournament of Assholes, which he was developing into an annual telethon at the time of his death, The Blue Baller leaves a long legacy. The selfless icon of frustrated basketball fans was so devoted to his beloved Toronto Raptors that the he continually offered the team free expert counsel and actually considered becoming the team’s General Manager. However, it was his keen understanding of the theatre of sport where The Blue Baller truly shined. The visionary proposed to Raptor brass a variety of progressive in-game fan promotions, and unfortunately takes to his early grave a number of promising but unfinished promotional concepts including 6 Degrees of Kevin Willis, Guess Who’s High?, Best Lap in the House, and Shoot…For Your Life.

Friends and loved ones remain stunned by the sudden and violent end to The Blue Baller’s life, especially those closest to the game. Sportscasters Leo Rautins and Jack Armstrong were visibly shaken during the Toronto Police Department press conference, finding solace in the arms of Brass Rail strippers and cans of Michelob, respectively. Hardest hit was Chuck Swirsky, the sportscaster who corresponded with The Blue Baller a number of times regarding the writer’s controversial Raptor Euro-Plan. The voice of the Raptors choked back tears as he announced during a recent broadcast that he will introduce the new tribute catchphrase “You’ve been Blue Balled!” whenever a ball gets lodged between the rim and backboard during a game.

NBA players are also shocked and saddened, particularly those recognized by The Blue Baller for their colourful off-court behaviour. TOA Winner Jayson Williams, who credits The Blue Baller for giving him the kick start he needed for his recent CBA comeback, explained, “BB had a profound understanding of our modern sports-celebrity culture, particularly as it relates to today’s multi-millionaire NBA athlete, and our need to disregard those laws that govern the rest of society—like no dog shooting.” Morris Peterson, the starting shooting guard for The Blue Baller’s All Herpes Team, has yet to publicly comment on the incident, instead privately dedicating the remainder of his season to the memory of the exiled Score.ca scribe.

The Blue Baller’s funeral service was held on Monday morning after being moved to the ACC to accommodate the large number of mourners. The somber crowd was filled with fans, homeless, as well as celebrities from Brock University Radio and RickBrunson.com. After The Blue Baller was eulogized at half-court by a tearful Nav Bhatia, Herbie Kuhn silenced the crowd with a stunning version of Ave Maria. The mood lightened only after the attendees realized they could exchange their mass cards for pizza.

He will be missed.

The Blue Baller is a lover, fighter, and Toronto-based freelance writer. He can be reached at [email protected].

The VC Trade: Blue Baller Approved™

The Blue Baller here, putting the finishing touches on the article I was born to write: my reaction to a Vince Carter trade. Now hold on! I know where you think I’m going with this, but I assure you that this is not a VC-bashing rant. No, it is not that I am above kicking a man while he is down (and there is plenty of opportunity with Carter…sorry, couldn’t resist), I in fact revel in the opportunity. It is just that I have already taken my shots. This article is about the trade.

When I first heard about the deal, I had the same reaction as a lot of fans—sounds like Babcock traded in a night with a ‘sure thing’ for three hand-jobs. Actually, more like 2 hand-jobs now, 2 hand-jobs in the future, and one expensive sunk cost of a date with no chance of action. But the more I think about this deal, the more I like it. Sure it might have been a bit hasty and I would have liked to see Rose included, but this trade gets The Blue Baller’s Seal of Approval.

Addition by Subtraction
From an on the court perspective, VC was not working and had not been for the last 3 years. As much as fans and teammates may have wanted him to be the leader and cornerstone of a solid Raptor team, he simply did not have it in him physically or mentally. As evidenced by his first comments to the New Jersey media indicating he could not wait to “be the other guy, that third guy to help out”, Carter longs to have the adulation of a Star without any of the responsibility. Carter’s game has also diminished incredibly, as he has evolved into an athletic jump-shooter that doesn’t play defense—an exciting version of Del Curry with more business competing in the 2 Ball Competition than the Dunk Contest.

The larger benefit for the Raptors in this deal is obviously the removal of Vince’s influence off the court. Seasons upon seasons of the franchise coddling and acquiescing to every Carter whim created an environment where damaging precedents were set regarding how people could treat VC. The organization was so invested in him, that it was obviously difficult for Babcock or Mitchell to reprimand him or even treat him like another player. This separate set of rules was all but confirmed by Peddie who commented "the general manager always runs the club. But if (Rob Babcock) ever wanted to trade Vince, we needed to talk about it as a group.” It is similar to the situation in Boston where Danny Ainge traded Antoine Walker because he had a damaging “grip” on the organization. Well where Walker’s grip was one of a domineering and flawed offensive game, Carter’s influence was one of entitlement. Both Mitchell and Babcock tried to chip away at that grip by benching him and making Vince’s mom take the TTC respectively, but both were restrained. How else can you explain Mitchell teeing off on French-warmer Jerome Moiso for an entire post-game press conference and staying mum on Carter?

This may seem like a front-office issue, but it was obviously negatively affecting team chemistry. How do you think Alston felt after a game where he busts his ass only to be called out by Mitchell in the press while VC is relaxing in the steam room listening to Nelly on his iPod after playing 22 minutes? In the Raptor family, VC was the spoiled fat kid who always got the last piece of cake. No more.

Addition by…uh, Addition
From a basketball perspective, Babcock addressed the key area of concern for his current roster: tough interior defense—particularly if Mourning has a change of heart (and change in host-donor kidney compatibility). Since the Chicago deal last season, opposing forwards have cut through the Raptors frontline like hot urine through a snow bank. Babcock also addressed my biggest concern of a VC trade by not trading for Tim Thomas and Penny Hardaway. No amount of drug or hypnosis treatment could ever bring The Blue Baller to cheer for these two.

Again, off the court is where I expect these new Raptors to have the largest contribution. Successful NBA teams all have a few leaders who instill a professional culture and effectively police a locker room. Mitchell knows this, he was one of them. And so is Eric Williams, who was such an asset to his former Celtics coach Jim O’Brien that JO resigned when Williams was traded—ironically for another talented-player-slash-locker-room-poison Ricky Davis.

Can you imagine a pouty Rafer Alston sulking between Eric Williams and Alonzo Mourning after a game, contemplating retirement after Sam yelled at him?

Alonzo: “What’s the matter Skip?”

Rafer: “Coach yelled at me, I can’t take it. I’m going to quit.”

Alonzo: “Yeah, I felt that way after I had someone else’s kidney transplanted into my body, but I thought I’d tough it out”

Eric: “Same here, I thought about retiring to spend more time with my son after his mother was murdered”

Time to grow up boys, you are now in the company of men.

The Future
Aside from changing the current roster, this trade was obviously made to give Babcock the opportunity to better determine his own fate. It is a predictable first move by a new GM, and the additional cap space and pair of decent draft picks will give him some of the flexibility he is looking for.

That said, I like to think of this move as the first tangible step made by Babcock to deliver on his vision of building a roster of players with team values and high character. I also like to think this vision is in some way informed by his newfound understanding of the values of Toronto fans. Toronto is a city where divas and empty bravado do not play well—you gotta earn it, show you can take a punch. Sundin jerseys didn’t outsell Domi jerseys until the talented Swede started to throw his big frame around. Rocket Ismail’s popularity seems like a blip compared with the now iconic stature of underdog Pinball Clemens. And as evidenced by the ACC going wild after Bonner channeled the spirit of Iron Mike Sharpe last week against Minnesota, Toronto fans will always appreciate grit, hard work, and sacrifice. That’s why I think Toronto will eventually appreciate Aaron and Eric Williams as much as we respect Jerome and Alvin.

Well there is my case, let the retorts fly. But remember, The Blue Baller can also take a punch.

- The Blue Baller

A few last words about Carter, since I won’t have him to kick around anymore…well, as conveniently anyway. I can’t help but feel slightly nostalgic and a pang of hypocrisy in delighting in his departure. There are just too many memories. Good ones. From the fist rumours out of UNC that he was MJ to Jamison’s Worthy, to awing Kevin Willis by dunking two balls in his first Raptor practice, to the string of game-winning shots leading up to his All-Star coming out party, to besting his first ever rival Ray Allen after the USA Basketball snub, to bouncing back in Game 4 against the Knicks to even the series, to that shot against Philadelphia in 2001—that made even the cynical Blue Baller hold his breath, and believe.

The Blue Baller is a lover, fighter, and Toronto-based freelance writer. He can be reached at [email protected].

The Tournament of Assholes

The Blue Baller here, and I have just awoken from a period of intense self-reflection. It was but a few short weeks ago that I reached a critical juncture in my gonzo sports-blogging career with the publication of The All Herpes Team. This particular article not only stimulated some of the most passionate and creative responses from my readership (kudos to the ‘fan’ who attempted to transmit herpes to The Blue Baller via email), but it also resulted in my quick dismissal from The Score’s website as a regular columnist. So what should an attention-starved writer craving genuine commercial success to do?

To answer that question I crawled deep into the bowels of the Baller Cave and ruminated until I determined three clear courses of action:

Option 1: Tone down the columns so they are less offensive and more suitable for mainstream publication.

Option 2: Cover more traditional areas of sports journalism, such as reporting on games and commenting on recent news.

Option 3: Become even more offensive, to the point where my readers and I are forced to question our own humanity.

I have chosen Option 3. As such, I have the pleasure of bringing to you my latest creation, The Blue Baller’s Tournament of Assholes (TOA).

What’s the TOA?
It’s simple: Picture your favourite basketball tournament. Now fill it with assholes. Think the Final Four crossed with Monster’s Ball, set in Oz, and sponsored by Cops. That's right, the teams in this tournament are not merely players drafted by a particular franchise, they are teams bound by a more meaningful thread: a common human weakness.

How does a player make a team?
Let me make this perfectly clear:
- Possess superior basketball skills? Super, go coach a kid.
- Have a winning attitude? Dandy, go write a book.
- Murder your limo driver and shoot your pet dog? Welcome home Jayson Williams, you’ve got a roster spot in the Tournament of Assholes!

So who wins?
That’s the best part—it’s up to you! After I preview all of the teams over the next two weeks (and figure out how to set-up an online poll), you will vote on which particular set of talented athletes/deeply flawed human beings that you feel should win the title of Champion Asshole. For a man is not an asshole, until his fellow man titles him so.

So tell your friends. The Blue Baller is back, and this frustrated basketball fan is ready to fucking blow.

Next Week: Preview of the Miscreant Division

- The Blue Baller

TOA: The Miscreant Division

Welcome back to the Tournament of Assholes (TOA)!  It’s the Blue Baller here and I have the pleasure and honour of presenting to you the left-hand side of our tournament bracket: The Miscreant Division.  Remember, the winner of the TOA is ultimately up to you, so lean in like a victim behind a one-way mirror and take a good hard look at the starting line-ups of Packin Heat, The Lane Violators, The Munchies, and The Beaters!

Introducing Packin Heat, a team filled with proud owners of the NBA’s most fashionable accessory—the loaded unregistered handgun!  These players are not only talented, they also possess that rare combination of rampant paranoia and poorly developed social skills.  So attention opponents and liquor store clerks, when Packin Heat hits your town, Duck!

Captain: Allen Iverson
AI’s custom-made handgun allows him to shoot over 35 shots in a single evening.

Marcus Fizer
Go ahead, remind him how good he was in college.  Seriously, I dare you. 

Gilbert Arenas
Unresolved anger issues?  Well, his name is Gilbert.

Anthony Peeler
Wonder why KG didn’t retaliate when Peeler hit him with that cheap shot last year?

Scottie Pippen
Pippen’s Gun: Smith & Wesson’s Second Banana.  This pistol’s superior engineering and built-in silencer feature ensures that the shooter achieves maximum success, while attracting minimal attention—even if they are desperately seeking recognition for their accomplishments.

 

When you’re playing The Lane Violators, don’t expect to be in the driver’s seat!  This team features a dangerously up-tempo offense with players who drive the lane with reckless abandon, giving no thought to causing injury to themselves or others!  These players find victory intoxicating, and refuse to ever take a night off or a taxi ride home!

Captain: Rod Strickland
Anyone feel comfortable riding shotgun with 4-time DUI offender Rowdy Roddy?  Uh, thanks for the offer Rod, but I’ll just hop on the back of this dirt bike with the blind armless guy.

Stephon Marbury
2001.  Jerry Colangelo on trading recently arrested Jason Kidd for Marbury:  “I need to ensure that this is a team comprised of individuals of character that this is a team that Phoenix fans can be proud of.”
2002.  Jerry Colangelo on Marbury’s DUI conviction: “At least he’s not a wife-beater”

Zach Randolph
This promising southpaw forward is a symbol of consistency.  Every night he’ll give you 20 and 10 from the left-block and 80 in a 40 in the left-hand lane.  Honk!

Kwame Brown
Can you imagine the pressure of being personally selected as the #1 pick straight out of high-school by the greatest player in NBA history to help him win a Championship and complete his legacy?  It’s enough to drive a man to drink and drive.

Dennis Rodman
In 1993, a suicidal Dennis Rodman was found in his truck in a Detroit parking lot with a loaded shotgun.
In 2004, a drunk Dennis Rodman was found on a motorcycle after partying all night at Los Vegas strip club. 
Folks, this is progress.

Don’t be fooled by the lackadaisical demeanor of The Munchies, this team can light it up!  Whether it’s clogging the lane to the hoop or the lane through Airport security, these players also have an unquenchable hunger for solid interior defense.  So stock up the buffet table and sound the Burning Spear—here come The Muchies!

Captain: Damon Stoudamire
“Mr. Stoudamire, did you pack this bag and are aware of all of its contents?” 
“Everything but the 2 ounces of weed in tin-foil.  It bought that shit pre-wrapped.”

Rasheed Wallace
“Please leave your message after the beep: Yo Sheed, its Damon.  I’m marinatin' here with the Camby-Man, and we’ve come up with a dope way for you to chill out and stop getting all of those T’s.  Meet me an hour before tip-off in the back of my van.”

Carmelo Anthony
“Please leave your message after the beep:  Hey Melo?  It’s me, The Blue Baller.  Listen, thanks again for letting me crash at your place after camping last weekend, but uh, you know that backpack you leant me?  Well, uh, I think I might have left something in it.  So, yeah, uh, I’ll need to get that back.  Call me as soon as you get this.”

Keon Clark
“Please leave your message after the beep:  Hi Keon, this is your agent Tony Dutt.  Remember when I told you I could get $7M per year?  Well I guess I should have clarified that I based that number on you NOT getting arrested for marijuana possession during my contract negotiations with the Sacramento.  Hope you enjoyed that joint—you’re getting the mid-level exception.”

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
“Mr. Jabbar, what do you plead?”
“Not guilty Your Honour. I’m a skinny old man who suffers from glaucoma and terrible headaches.  I’m not sure if marijuana was made for me, or if I was made for marijuana.”
“Dismissed.”

Well the honeymoon is over when The Beaters come to town!  This is one volatile group with the two key habits of every successful team: (1) they are far more aggressive at home than they are when they are away, and (2) they never play down to the competition—they actually take pleasure in beating weaker opponents!  Just don’t try to disrespect them on their home court or bitch about taking out the garbage!

Captain: Jason Kidd
Conventional Wisdom: Joumana Kidd joyfully attends every Nets game because she wants to show support for her husband.
Blue Baller Wisdom: Joamana Kidd is so happy at Nets games because it is the only time she feels safe.

Glenn Robinson
Does George Karl only coach teams filled with assholes, or does he actually have the power to turn his players into assholes too?  Discuss.

Dale Ellis
During his time in the NBA, Ellis’ opponents found themselves vulnerable to interior penetration when defending against his deadly outside shooting.
During his time in prison, Ellis found himself vulnerable to interior penetration when defending himself against his deadly shooting inmates.

Kurt Thomas
"Listen to me!  Look I’m talking to you!  Look at me—here, in my properly-functioning eye!"

Jason Richardson
Slam Dunk Champ J-Rich plans to defend his title this year with his new dunk called The Restraining Order.  He will attempt to leap over his ex-girlfriend who is holding their 4-year old son and violently dunk the basketball.  If he touches her, Richardson spends All-Star Weekend in the pisshouse.

Think The Miscreant Division is tough?  You haven’t seen anything yet.

Next Week: Preview of the Hellion Division

The Blue Baller is a lover, fighter, and Toronto-based freelance writer. He can be reached at [email protected]

TOA: The Hellion Division

It’s Big Blue here and I am delighted to introduce our remaining teams for the Tournament of Assholes (TOA)—the teams of The Hellion Division. But this time with a surprise! Since I’m still punchdrunk with second-hand adrenalin from Fan Appreciation Night in Detroit, I have decided to enter a new TOA team: The Motown Brawlers!

Only in a stadium a beer-toss away from 8-Mile can you see fans fighting athletes in the stands. Can you imagine how Raptor fans would react if Artest charged up the ACC bleachers? We would show Ron our tickets stub, ask him politely to vacate our seat, and apologize for getting in the way of his flailing fists. That is until the first beer spilled, then you’d see Superfan pull out his ceremonial Raptor dagger and do his best Young Buck impression.

So without further ado, I introduce The Motown Brawlers, The Deadbeats, The Bloody Knuckles, The Romantics, and the Wild Cards!

There’s no rust on The Motown Brawlers, these players are sharp and fresh from battle! Sure team chemistry is a bit of an issue, but these ballers play each game like it is their last of the season. Plus they won’t stop until they become Champions and have the chance to shower each other with champagne and beer!

Captain: Ron Artest
“Look Ron, I realize you’re exhausted from the album, but try this—the next time you find yourself in a stressful situation, sit down, lay back, stare at the ceiling, and enjoy a nice cold beer.”

Guy with White Hat
“I’ll take the biggest, coldest, most aerodynamic glass of beer you got. Keep the lid.”

Steven Jackson
As advertised—the dependable offensive threat to take the pressure off Ron Artest.

Guy on the Court
“Bastards come to our gym and beat up our fans…..I can’t take it anymore….move out of my way…I’m going to show this guy what DETROIT-CITY is all about…here, watch out….OK, on the floor…here he is….right in front of me…..Jesus he’s big in person…Dear God No.”

Jermaine O'Neal
J.O rounded out his game by perfecting the Sliding Haymaker during the off-season.

Hey Kids! Make sure to buy your tickets early when the wildly popular Deadbeats visit your town! This team has a rapidly growing and genetically-similar fan base throughout all NBA cities (with the exception of Utah). These selfless players show fertile female fans their true appreciation by giving them the Ultimate NBA Souvenir, and then have the decency of never interfering in their lives again!

Captain: Shawn Kemp
Rainman’s Father’s Day Guest List: 14 Children, 12 Mothers, 12 Lawyers, 2 Drug Dealers, George Karl.

Willie Anderson
I can’t wait for Willie to break the news that he is actually Shandon’s father.

Sedale Threatt
The former Laker Point Guard never passed the ball or any court-ordered DNA tests.

Ralph Sampson
It was tough for Ralph to defend himself against the woman with the two 7-foot teenagers with missing knee cartilage.

Cliff Levingston
“Hello? Yes, I need a lawyer to represent me in a paternity suit against the Shooting Guard for the World Champion Chicago Bulls…Yes, I guess this could be very lucrative…Well his name is Cliff Levingston…Hello?”

You like throwin ‘bows? Well team Bloody Knuckles likes bloodying ‘fros! This team loves to play physical and leave their opponents in a shapeless bloody pulp. Their offense revolves around the roll and pick, executed with a prisonyard shiv.

Captain: Charles Barkley
“Barkley? Party of 1? Your table next to the bar window is ready.”

Darrell Armstrong
In 2003, Darrell Armstrong was upset for being snubbed by All-Star Game Voters, so he decided to take out his frustrations by beating up on opponents instead. Now replace with All-Star Game Voters with 'taxis at a strip joint' and opponents with 'a female police officer'.

Latrell Sprewell
I will never understand why my Sprewell novelty necktie with interlocking finger-design never took off.

Gary Payton
“If The Glove don’t hit, you must acquit!” Hey, YOU KNOW the defense attorney wanted to use that!

Sam Cassell
New MGD Boys Night Out Promotion: 4 Tickets to a Raptors game, VIP service at For Your Eyes Only, fight with an NBA Player.

Watch out ladies, here come The Romantics! This team is so determined to score they will penetrate the most well guarded hole. These players want the satisfaction of personal conquest and will not take ‘no’ for an answer. I promise fans will be struck by their aggressiveness on the floor—be that floor made of hardwood or hotel room carpeting.

Captain: Anthony Mason
“I Get My Bare Butt Erect Like Anthony Mason
Then I Ride The Young Teen Right Up Till Eternal Damnation”

Kobe Bryant
“Hello, Room Service? I’d like to order the Number 8, hold the frosting.”

DeShawn Stephenson
You can take the boy out from high school, but you can’t take high school girls out from the boy.

Rueben Patterson
"Mommy, I want to dress up like a sexual predator this Halloween."
(Credit to The Almighty B-Huge)

Alvin Robertson
“Robertson's girlfriend testified she had accused Robertson of rape to get even with him after she felt he was disrespectful of her.”
Let’s just chalk this couple up to Kismet.

Sometimes an athlete comes along and does something so special, that you can hardly believe your eyes. Each player on The Wild Cards shares this connection—their actions go beyond classification. Sometimes they defy the laws of physics, often they defy the laws of humanity.

Captain: Isiah Rider
Ahhh, the NBA Dream—all the millions from your contract and endorsements, plus whatever you make from selling illegal cellular phones.

Jayson Williams
Want to get your mind off that bummer of a manslaughter trial? Shoot your dog!

Qyntel Woods
Speaking of dogs, I was delighted to see how Qyntel managed to find the last possible way on earth to distinguish himself as the most disturbed player on the Trail Blazers.

Olden Polynice
Polynice was charged with impersonating a police officer twice in one month, but was never questioned for his impression an NBA Power Forward for the last 10 years.

Vernon Maxwell
Hero for NBA fan-beaters everywhere. Rumour has it that the sentimental Ron Artest wears Maxwell’s Pelican Bay lowjack underneath his sock during pre-game warm-ups.

Well that's it folks, the teams of the TOA. Start reviewing the lineups, analyzing rapsheets, and talking to witnesses. Voting starts next week!

- The Blue Baller

The Blue Baller is a lover, fighter, and Toronto-based freelance writer. He can be reached at [email protected].

TOA: VOTE OR DON'T!

“Thunder on! Stride on! Democracy. Strike with vengeful strokes.”
- Walt Whitman

“For a man is not an asshole, until his fellow man titles him so.”
- The Blue Baller

Since the beginning of time, man has struggled to play a meaningful role in shaping the world around him; to have his voice heard and be an active participant in the political process. From a suppressed member of a proletariat fighting a ruthless dictator, to a brave suffragette advocating for her right to vote, to a Floridian Democrat trying to figure out how to correctly punch a ballot, citizens throughout history continue to fight.

But regardless of the political tenor or structure of the day, man has consistently held one inherent and unshakable right—the right to call someone else an asshole.

It is now time to exercise that right.

CLICK HERE to vote in the Tournament of Assholes!

The Blue Baller is a lover, fighter, and Toronto-based freelance writer. He can be reached at [email protected].

TOA: THE WINNERS!

Roll out the red carpet and uncork the pepper-spray, it is time to announce the winners of The Tournament of Assholes! That’s right voters, we have reached the end of our long and disturbing journey that has seen The Blue Baller spend more time researching assholes than even the most diligent proctology student. But as you will soon see, it has all been worthwhile. Now let's hand out some hardware.

Vice #1 Drugs: The Robert Downey Jr. Trophy
Winner: Damon Stoudamire
Despite facing stiff competition from one-man bachelor party Dennis Rodman, Damon managed to smoke out his rivals to win the The Robert Downey Jr. Award. Mighty Mouse may have felt vindication in the form of urinating weed-free piss in a reporter’s cup last season, but TOA voters were not so quick to forget the past transgressions of our favourite Visine-squirting, potato-chip eating, X-Box-playing point guard. Here’s hoping this award gives Damon the boost he needs to secure that lucrative endorsement deal that has eluded him since his Canadian Pert Shampoo spot in '96.

Vice #2 Women: The Ladies Choice Award
Winner: Shawn Kemp
With a pool of candidates convicted of crimes such as sexual assault and domestic violence, this was easily the most hotly contested individual award in the TOA. But alas, TOA voters took the high road and chose a lover, not a fighter in our Ladies Choice Award winner Shawn Kemp. Throughout his 14 year career, Kemp blew his wild outs throughout NBA cities like a hard sneeze on a cocaine-filled mirror. Multiple palimony suits notwithstanding, Kemp is a deserving winner and is arguably the NBA’s ultimate lover—a man who combines a Calvin Murphy-like sexual appetite with the moxie of Rick James. It’s a celebration bitches.

Vice #3 The Bloody Pulper Prize
Winner: Ron Artest
By a TKO! Timing is everything in the TOA as the still swollen hands of Ron Artest can now proudly grip The Bloody Pulper Prize over second-place finisher Jayson Williams. While voters from the Williams States may be disappointed with the result, lets face facts: Artest is about as balanced as a one-legged drunk surfing a teeter-totter. I mean, the man was so violent in the Motown Meltdown that Rick Mahorn felt compelled to restrain him. Listen closely, you can hear Kermit Washington sigh.

TOA MVP: The Ultimate Asshole
Winner: Jayson Williams
Got an asshole on your Christmas list? Well click on over to EBay and pick-up a Jayson Williams throwback because he is the TOA’s Ultimate Asshole! With the over-representation of limo-drivers and SPCA members in this year’s TOA voter pool, this one wasn’t even close. Better luck next year Kobe.

The Tournament of Assholes Champion
Winners: The Wild Cards
Blackjack! That's right, The Wild Cards are this year's TOA Dream Team…that is if you dream about killing dogs and impersonating police offers. Lead by TOA MVP Jayson Williams, this disparate and inevitably Hell-bound group fended off strong competition from the rival Miscreant Division in The Romantics and The Motown Brawlers. While The Wild Cards did not have the strong common bond held by their fellow competitors, the team managed to gel at just the right time, put their egos aside, and focus on what was most important. Congratulations assholes, I’ll see you all in hell.

- The Blue Baller

The Blue Baller is a lover, fighter, and Toronto-based freelance writer. He can be reached at [email protected].

VC's Secret Trade Demands

It’s The Blue Baller here, and I want an invite to the Raptors training camp as a power forward! Seriously, in what other line of work can you take the entire summer off, put on 20 pounds, and be congratulated by your employer when you return? I want in.

Well as the Raptors drag themselves back to work, the story remains the same: Vince. When I heard that VC wanted to be traded a few weeks ago, I had the same reaction as when I read that Jim J. Bullock came out of the closet: is this really news? Well I’ll tell you what is really news: the actual memo that Vince sent to GM Rob Babcock. It contains a number of conditions regarding his trade request that have remained secret. Until now.

Seems reasonable eh? Well now I understand why a Vince Carter trade is as appealing to other teams as a Morris Peterson kissing booth. I just hope Vince dries his eyes on one of the 12 million dollar bills he will receive this season and recognize that the easiest way to get out of Dodge is to play well and act professionally. Suck it up Vince, the single unblinking eye of the Blue Baller is watching.

- The Blue Baller

The All Herpes Team

Do you remember when you were a child, brimming over with joy after receiving an unexpected gift? Well now you know how I felt on Monday morning after reading the Toronto Star. It was like Blue Baller Christmas.

In case you haven’t heard about this modern day love story, Morris Peterson is being sued for $1.5 Million by a woman who claims he knowingly infecting her with genital herpes. The ‘herpee’ is Daphne Charlemagne, a teacher and model, who is demanding to be compensated for modeling wages lost as a result of her new STD. Well it is nice to hear that vagina models are so well paid these days.

But what I really want to talk about today is Mo. Although he has been an embarrassing sore-spot for coaches for only showing up periodically throughout the season, everyone recognizes that his unselfish style of play is contagious and his energy dangerously infectious.

It is this reason why I still see a bright future for Morris Peterson—not as a player for the Raptors—but as the starting shooting guard for The Blue Baller’s All Herpes Team! That’s right Mo, this STD lawsuit should not be a source of humiliation and embarrassment for you, consider it is an invitation to an exclusive club of NBA players. So Relax Mo, you’re in excellent company. Meet your teammates.

Point Guard: Vernon Maxwell
Well it shouldn’t come as a huge surprise that Mad Max was once sued for giving some lucky female fan a permanent souvenir. After all, this case amounts to a simple cold sore on Maxwell’s lengthy police record. But the notable part about Vern’s case is that after he was sued, he refused to show up in court. Ever. Does anyone else think Vernon Maxwell is just visiting from Hell?

Small Forward: Cliff Robinson
Ever wonder why that game-worn Cliff Robinson headband somehow lost its value early last year? It might have something to do with Uncle Cliffie’s well-publicized cooties. Now all you can get from memorabilia like Cliff’s old water bottle is a minimum bid on eBay and a tingling sensation every three months. Here’s a tip for collectors: if a player suddenly gets traded and grows a thick, dark moustache—sell.

Power Forward: Dennis Rodman
Can you believe that someone was actually surprised to find out they contracted an STD from unprotected sex with human petri dish Dennis Rodman? This cross-dresser frequents transvestite bars, has spent time as Madonna’s boy-toy, and married a post-Fred Durst Carmen Electra. Seriously woman, be happy your genitals didn’t explode on impact. Are you familiar with the theory tracing HIV back to someone having intercourse with a dirty monkey? Well when it comes to Herpes in the NBA, Rodman is the monkey.

Center: Juwan Howard
Juwan Howard is generally known for being a member of the Fab Five, having a huge contract, and being a dependable NBA low-post player. He is also known for having Herpes. Yes, Juwan Howard has generously donated the gift that keeps on giving to two different women. While I do feel sorry for the first plaintiff, I have a difficult time sympathizing with the second. If I haven’t even seen Howard play in person and know he has Herpes, can’t this affectionate fan spend two minutes Googling him to see if he’s clean?

So there it is, a highly competitive and surprisingly well-balanced starting lineup exclusively featuring Herpes-riddled NBA players. I propose that these players come together and tour the world raising awareness about the dangers of Herpes while also informing fans about the potential for lucrative financial benefits from contracting it from NBA players. And the best part: the Valtrex Dancers.

Yes, I too am visiting from Hell.

- The Blue Baller

The Blue Baller is a lover, fighter, and Toronto-based freelance writer. He can be reached at [email protected].