B to tha Bizzo here, and what’s got my balls the colour of a pair o’ California plums this week is the hideous spectacle that has become the NBA game. Unfortunately it took the global stage of the Olympics where NBA stars were handed an Ike-Turner-calibre beating by teams from around the world to expose the league’s flaws. The Games not only showed that the NBA is now built for great athletes with poor fundamentals, but it also showed that the game itself is getting pretty damn boring and ugly. And to top it all off, this painful fact was punctuated by Richard Jefferson getting posterized at the buzzer by a pony-tailed Argentinean that looked like Steven Segal.
But don’t worry David Stern, The Blue Baller is nothing if not industrious. As a service to you, I have developed a few minor rule changes that I think will turn the NBA game around.
Rule #1: Eliminate Flopping
There’s nothing more deflating than getting ready to watch a great Timberwolves-Kings tilt and seeing Kevin Garnett taken out in the first quarter by two quick flops by Vlade Divac. This travesty is then compounded when Bill Walton inevitably praises the savvy veteran for his great textbook move. And we all know how entertaining those basketball textbooks are.
Now I understand there needs to be a charging rule to stop overpowering players from plowing their way to the basket, but flopping has unfortunately become as ugly and fashionable as those goddamn Ashton Kutcher Trucker Caps. Now, guys defending the low posts fall on their backs faster than a housekeeper at a Colorado Resort.
Well no more! My new Stop-the-Flop rule penalizes those spineless players who are not man enough to actually play defence. Caught flopping now? Well I hope you’re comfy cupcake because you’re staying down there for the next 10 seconds. Get up before then, or do 3 flops in a game and you’re off to play with the real diving crybabies in the Canadian Professional Soccer League as the newest member of the Vaughn City Shooters.
Rule #2: Reduce Three-Point Shooting
Do you remember the day when being a three-point bomber actually meant something? Both fans and players alike would get chills when the likes of Chuck Person, Dale Ellis, or Reggie Miller was open in the corner. Now everyone thinks they’re a shooter, and instead of watching players drive to the basket or watching teams work mid-range offence, fans get the pleasure of watching power forwards fire away from beyond the arc.
Take a look at Dallas. A great three-on-one quickly inevitably ends when Antoine Walker, the team’s best post-player, launches an uncontested three-point shot. I honestly think that Don Nelson feels that if everyone on his team hits at least one three-pointer in a game that he has achieved the basketball equivalent of hitting for the cycle. I wouldn’t be surprised that if it actually happened that Maverick players would get a walk-on Benefactor appearance and a lapdance from Toni Braxton.
Well no more! My new JFK-inspired Single Shooter Theory fixes everything. Teams can still have all their players shoot to their hearts content from the outside, but only one designated player actually gets awarded the full three-points. To be eligible the player obviously has to be a great shooter. And, unless his last name is Bird, can’t be over 6’6".
Rule #3: Eliminate the Ball-Hog
Ahh the ball-hog. I can’t think of one NBA team that isn’t riddled with at least one of these malignant tumors. We all know the type, clapping their hands at their teammate inbounding the ball only to run up the court, dribble out the shot clock, and launch a desperation three-pointer. I’m talking about players like Iverson and Marbury who greedily handle their balls like Al Bundy watching Baywatch.
What makes this worse is the affect that these guys have on their fellow teammates. Look at poor Dwight Howard. Having Stevie Franchise run the show in Orlando is going to stunt his growth worse than getting him hooked on Malboros. Let’s just be happy that Chris Bosh has Milt Palacio running the point who can’t wait to pass the ball into the post by repeatedly ricocheting it off the rim and backboard.
Well no more! My new Hog-Tie Rule eliminates this type of selfish play by penalizing players who are more comfortable passing a kidney stone than a basketball. If a single player has possession of the ball for more than 12 seconds in a row, they lose possession. More than 20? They lose their roster spot and are off to Rucker Park to trade places with The Professor of the And1 Mix Tape Tour.
But I can’t just stop there. As a Raptor fan, there are a few additional tweaks I’d like to see happen to make games at the ACC just a bit more interesting.
First, The Hoffa Rule. For his rookie season our raw new bruiser Rafael Araujo can use any of his teammates personal fouls, up to a maximum of 30 per game.
Second, The Vince Rule. Opponents at the ACC start the game up 8 points, with the understanding the Vince Carter gets one uncontested dunk per quarter.
And finally, The Grunwaldian Regret Rule. From now on Brian Skinner, Carlos Arroyo, and anyone drafted after Chris Jeffries or Michael Bradley is ineligible to play the Raptors while I am watching.
Well that’s it for now David Stern, ignore at your peril. But if you don’t do something soon, the future of the NBA game will be as bright as Steven Segal, and I’ll be forced to watch CHIN TV hoping to catch Benetton Treviso highlights.
Arrivaderci.
- The Blue Baller
The Blue Baller is a lover, fighter, and Toronto-based freelance writer. He can be reached at [email protected].