Roll out the red carpet and uncork the pepper-spray, it is time to announce the winners of The Tournament of Assholes! That’s right voters, we have reached the end of our long and disturbing journey that has seen The Blue Baller spend more time researching assholes than even the most diligent proctology student. But as you will soon see, it has all been worthwhile. Now let's hand out some hardware.
Vice #1 Drugs: The Robert Downey Jr. Trophy
Winner: Damon Stoudamire
Despite facing stiff competition from one-man bachelor party Dennis Rodman, Damon managed to smoke out his rivals to win the The Robert Downey Jr. Award. Mighty Mouse may have felt vindication in the form of urinating weed-free piss in a reporter’s cup last season, but TOA voters were not so quick to forget the past transgressions of our favourite Visine-squirting, potato-chip eating, X-Box-playing point guard. Here’s hoping this award gives Damon the boost he needs to secure that lucrative endorsement deal that has eluded him since his Canadian Pert Shampoo spot in '96.
Vice #2 Women: The Ladies Choice Award
Winner: Shawn Kemp
With a pool of candidates convicted of crimes such as sexual assault and domestic violence, this was easily the most hotly contested individual award in the TOA. But alas, TOA voters took the high road and chose a lover, not a fighter in our Ladies Choice Award winner Shawn Kemp. Throughout his 14 year career, Kemp blew his wild outs throughout NBA cities like a hard sneeze on a cocaine-filled mirror. Multiple palimony suits notwithstanding, Kemp is a deserving winner and is arguably the NBA’s ultimate lover—a man who combines a Calvin Murphy-like sexual appetite with the moxie of Rick James. It’s a celebration bitches.
Vice #3 The Bloody Pulper Prize
Winner: Ron Artest
By a TKO! Timing is everything in the TOA as the still swollen hands of Ron Artest can now proudly grip The Bloody Pulper Prize over second-place finisher Jayson Williams. While voters from the Williams States may be disappointed with the result, lets face facts: Artest is about as balanced as a one-legged drunk surfing a teeter-totter. I mean, the man was so violent in the Motown Meltdown that Rick Mahorn felt compelled to restrain him. Listen closely, you can hear Kermit Washington sigh.
TOA MVP: The Ultimate Asshole
Winner: Jayson Williams
Got an asshole on your Christmas list? Well click on over to EBay and pick-up a Jayson Williams throwback because he is the TOA’s Ultimate Asshole! With the over-representation of limo-drivers and SPCA members in this year’s TOA voter pool, this one wasn’t even close. Better luck next year Kobe.
The Tournament of Assholes Champion
Winners: The Wild Cards
Blackjack! That's right, The Wild Cards are this year's TOA Dream Team…that is if you dream about killing dogs and impersonating police offers. Lead by TOA MVP Jayson Williams, this disparate and inevitably Hell-bound group fended off strong competition from the rival Miscreant Division in The Romantics and The Motown Brawlers. While The Wild Cards did not have the strong common bond held by their fellow competitors, the team managed to gel at just the right time, put their egos aside, and focus on what was most important. Congratulations assholes, I’ll see you all in hell.
- The Blue Baller
The Blue Baller is a lover, fighter, and Toronto-based freelance writer. He can be reached at [email protected].
