Queer Eye for the NBA Guy

First published at the RaptorNest.

The Blue Baller here, still jonesin’ from Rafer Madness! Two years removed from making And1 Mixed Tapes and Alston gets a 6-year $30 million deal. Only in America! Well, only in Toronto where apparently Rob Babcock is still getting a handle on the Canadian exchange rate. You know it’s a bad sign when Rafer comments that he’s “thrilled” with the offer. The next time Babcock signs a free agent he should bring Ed McMahon and a film crew to the player’s house and surprise him with an oversized cheque. However inflated the contract may be, it is a definite improvement over Milt’s thump-shot and it provides the Raptors with something that it needs—a player with style. Which brings me to my topic this week: trends in NBA fashion. From Haywood Workman’s Band-Aids to Oakley’s fur suits, the NBA has served as a touchstone for contemporary fashion. So here’s my take on current trends in NBA fashion and how they can be made more fabulous.

Cornrows
In 1992, I was convinced that NBA players had reached the pinnacle of self-expression when Anthony Mason began to shave his name into his hair (Did anyone else wonder if Mase etched in his prison number after he courted that 14-year old?). Then comes 1998 and cornrows. It was fascinating to watch simple straight lines evolve into intricate designs to the point where Allen Iverson’s braids resembled an argyle Bill Cosby sweater. But no one beats the King of the Cornrow Latrell Sprewell. What I respect about Spree is that he keeps growing his hair into what is fast becoming the NBA’s first Cornrow-mullet. Seeing him run the break is reminiscent of a young Billy Ray Cyrus sprinting across a Nashville stage. My prediction is that this trend will continue and older folks will begin to adopt it. So when Clyde Drexler shows up on TNT at the Half with the first ever Cornrow-ver, remember you heard it here first.

Headbands
The re-birth of the headband spread like crabs at a Dennis Rodman yacht party. One day I see Paul Pierce sporting one, the next day its everywhere. At first I thought John McEnroe might have passed away. Now it has gotten to the point where headbands are even used as a measuring stick for determining if a player gets fouled. If Mo Pete goes hard to the hole (hypothetically speaking), makes contact, and comes down with a misplaced headband, the crowd gasps and Chuck bursts “That has got to be a fragrant Leo!” From a fashion perspective the look works for everyone-except Derek Fisher. For some reason, he is the only black player that does not look cool in a headband.

But what bothers me about this fashion trend is that David Stern stepped in so quickly and standardized headbands by placing NBA logos on them. Why couldn’t he have let this new look flourish, and encourage players to express their individuality through headgear? Think about it: Yao Ming wearing a Samurai bandana a la Daniel-Son Larusso. Edward Najera in a full authentic Mexican wrestling mask calling himself ‘El Loco Dementia’. And Manu Ginobili? He could sport custom-fitted horns and Alomodome fans could be given small red flags. Then when he goes baseline and reverse dunks on some center, the crowd would wave them furiously as Manu lands, glare at his victim, and screams “Pray for Mercy Matador!”

International Flava
Speaking of celebrating foreign cultures, I’m glad to see more European players actually look like Europeans. There was nothing more depressing than watching Marcej Lampje transform from an earnest young teen from Warsaw into some Polish version of DMX, sitting on the Knicks bench all blinged out in velour. Now we have the pleasure of watching those crazy Yugoslavian brah-thers Peja and Vlade with Euro-beards, thick chest hair sprouting out of their jerseys, and arms as pale and defined as warm bags of milk. Just think of how inspirational this is for other young international players.

Take Tony Parker. I’d love to see him act less like Lebron and more like Le Peu, smoking during the pre-game layup drill and wearing a warm-up beret. He could embrace his French heritage even further by surrendering right before tip-off.

The good news for Raptor fans is that we have a new young international player that can join the long legacy of single-named Brazilian athletes. But instead of calling himself ‘Nene’ like his fellow NBA countryman, Rafael Araujo can call himself ‘Nandro’ for his international ban for steroid use.

However, there are a few other looks that I’m hoping die out.

Dead Relative Tattoos. One season Damon Stoudamire has a tattoo of Mighty Mouse, the next he has one of his dead grandmother. Why can’t we return to a simpler time when tattoos didn’t have to be so dark and meaningful? This way Oliver Miller can get a Grimace tattoo.

Retro Looks. I am fine with the 70s-ABA-Funk renaissance period that seems to have run its course, but let’s keep the nostalgia right there. If I see Chris Anderson with a Flock of Seagulls ‘do trying to perfect an 80’s look, I’m back to watching NASCAR.

The Shaved Head with Goatee. I don’t know if it started with the X-Man or Gary Payton, but there was a time in the early 90s where at least 50% of NBA players looked like Hawk from Spencer for Hire. I found this very confusing.

Well that’s it for The Blue Baller, I’m going to enjoy this nice weather and actually play some basketball down at the Harbourfront courts. Say hi if you’re down there—I’ll be the one with the tattoo of Richard Peddie (wishful thinking).

- The Blue Baller

Comments

[Scott Carefoot]

What the hell is Grimace anyway? Is he the lost Barbapapa? And I must say you were remiss in neglecting to give respect to the original Euro-pimp, Detlef Schrempf. You know Dirty Dirk gets all his style tips from the Original German.

[The Blue Baller]

I stand corrected my good man, how could I have possibly overlooked the O.G.?! That said I was never sold on the 'over-grown brushcut'--a little too Sheena Easton for my liking.