It’s The Blue Baller here, still savouring the Piston’s humiliation of those fat, spoiled Lakers. 
Make no mistake, this Lakers team didn’t just get served a slice of humble pie, they were treated like the American Pie itself, with Chauncy Billups playing the part of Jim. That said, I did anticipate a much more competitive series. But the ’04 Lakers turned out to be like Michael Keaton—as much as I expected a comeback, it just never materialized.
But the real reason I’m ranting today involves my frustration with ABC’s pre-game show. Now normally these segments are like basketball TV foreplay for me: sensationalized storylines, over-dramatized career retrospectives—I once got goosebumps watching an interview with Vince Carter’s junkie brother. Now ABC provides viewers with 40 minutes of musings from Tom Tolbert, Byron Scott, and Mike Tirico. Want foreplay? Hope you like your genitals beaten with a stick.
Tom Tolbert
My first reaction to seeing Tom Tolbert commentating on television was the same as when I watched the first Wilson Philips video: Alright, hot blonde…OK, cute brunette…uhh…what the hell is that? I remember thinking that if they wanted a unique look, why not add a hot Asian chick to the group instead of Rosanne? Same thing with Tolbert, like Carney’s nepotism, there’s got to be some damn good explanation for why he is part of any professional broadcast crew. What makes it worse is that Tolbert seems to fancy himself some quick-witted, animated NBA-version of James Carville, when he’s actually a gum-toothed mouth-breather that looks like Charlie Brown with a chinstrap.
Byron Scott
Now I respected Scott as a player, consider him an average coach, and was actually looking forward to hearing what he had to say. That was until he started doddering on before every game like an autistic Lakers PR intern “Definitely the Lakers…big game tonight…Lakers big game tonight…definitely the Lakers”. I heard he didn’t watch game tapes when he was a coach in New Jersey, but can’t he pay attention to the actual Championship games that are happening 20-feet behind him? That said, I am convinced that he will have a long post-playing day career for one simple reason: Byron Scott is one handsome man. I’m serious! The tailored suits, the impeccable posture, that wispy moustache. I feel like I’m watching Blair Underwood. Mark my words, in 30 years Byron Scott will be the George Hamilton of the NBA—no one will quite remember if he ever played or did anything in the game, but damnit he will look good.
Mike Tirico
Cross Jim Gray with Steve Urkel, extract all charisma, and you’ve got yourself Mike Tirico. If this guy were any more uptight he'd be white. Now I can understand ABC’s need to add an actual professionally trained broadcaster to keep an eye on these other two idiots, but did they have to dig up this ex-PGA announcer? Can you imagine Tirico providing commentary to the Finals in his old golf commentator ‘whisper-voice’: “It is a glorious evening in Auburn Hills…there is Rasheed Wallace waiting patiently at the 5th position on the floor….he looks majestic underneath the basket, waiting for his worthy opponent to drive to the goal….there he goes…now the pride of UNC delivers an angular elbow to his opponent’s groin….Wallace is called for a foul….the passionate center is responding unfavourably to the referee’s decision…he appears to be calling Steve Javie a m#th*rf$cker.”
I didn’t realize how awful these three were until I actually found myself looking forward to those awkward in-game clips of Jack, Leo, and Damian Goddard. As if cutting in for 2 minutes during an ABC broadcast break and showing these guys sitting behind a desk in Chuck Swirsky’s basement gives me the impression that SportsNet is actually covering the game. But I digress. In the end, ABC could have put together a crew of Fergie Oliver, Rod Black, and Monty Hall and I still would have enjoyed the series. And now comes the best part: The Laker Implosion.
Burn Hollywood Burn.
- The Blue Baller
This is beautiful stuff. I am laughing my ass of here. Tell me you have been re-incarnated. Like "The Office" or my swagger, I always seem to discover things after they are dead
Posted by: LDow | March 04, 2005 at 12:08 AM