Well The Blue Baller is back, and I’ve finally gotten some much needed relief from the hiring of Rob Babcock and his assistants Wayne Embry and Alex English (‘The Cockettes’). But with good news often comes bad, and unfortunately it looks like now officially out of the running for the GM job. However, since I am still hell-bent on making my mark on this franchise, I have figured out a new angle: Director of Promotions. Now I’m not sure if there is an opening or even if such a position exists, but Larry Tannenbaum, consider this my application. What follows are my top 10 promotional ideas for making Raptor games more exciting…
1. Deli Night 
Sure, that Pizza Pizza promo is fun for the 2 games a year that the Raptors break 90 points, but it’s getting staler than Leo Rautin’s hair gel. My idea involves signing up a new deli sponsor and replacing free pizza with fresh pork sandwiches, but with an exciting twist. I’d fill an ACC suite a load of pigs, and send in a butcher once the Raptors hit 80 points. Then, we’d all watch the nervous piggies scrambling around inside the suite on the JumboTron chanting “Slaughter! Slaughter! Slaughter!” as the Raps close in on 90 points.
2. Reality Night
If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Reality shows are not going away, so I am jumping squarely onto the bandwagon with a new promotion that incorporates the best elements from all the TV hits. If the Raptors lose on opening night, one player gets voted off the team, Larry Tanenbaum has to fire one of his new Raptor front office employees, and a lucky Dance Pack member will get to marry team trainer Chuck Mooney.
3. Raptors Dance ‘Packages’
The NBA and strip joints go together like Anthony Mason and a sexual assault charge. So I’m going one-up the popular MGD Boy’s Night Out promotion by introducing Raptors Dance ‘Packages’. Now a lucky fan can buy a package to have dinner with an ex-Dance Pack member then watch a game with her sitting on their lap. Packages start $250 for an upper bowl seat, $500 for lower bowl, and $1000 for a happy ending.
4. The Raptors ‘Prance’ Pack
As Director of Promotions, one of my key responsibilities will be to expand our fan base. I’ll start with homosexuals. During Gay Pride Weekend, I will replace the normal entertainment with the Raptors ‘Prance’ Pack. Performing at half-time will be a pack of buff shirtless lads from Zippers covered in glitter oil and dancing to salsa, using Chuck Swirsky as their limbo pole. Then its right back to the 18-year old girls.
5. 50/50 Wealth Reallocation Promotion
Excited about the 50/50 draw? Thought so. Where is the thrill for the average fan in the chance to win half of a bunch of other average guy’s money? Well times are changing. With the revamped 50/50 Wealth Reallocation Promotion, fans get the chance to win half of Vince Carter’s money! If you win, you meet with VC after the game: he gets half of what you have in your wallet, and you get half of what is in his locker.
6. Missed Free Throws
Do we really expect to distract professional basketball players from making their free throws by waving balloons? Well I’m going to up the ante significantly and make sure the Raptors have a true home court advantage when opponents hit the charity stripe. I’ll make sure to distribute more personalized and truly disturbing items for fans to shake and wave. When Kobe hits town, fans wave hotel room keys. Vin Baker? Martini shakers. Samuel Dalembert? You guessed it, burning Haitian flags. And when the playoffs, hit watch out! If we’re up against Marcus Camby he can expect some old CNN coverage from when his family was held hostage to be piped in over the PA system.
7. Putting VC Down
It’s always a drag when Vince goes down after getting hit and remains writhing on the court for a good 5 minutes. So I’m turning this into entertainment! The next time someone like Earl Boykins lays the hurt on VC, I’ll have a skit prepared where Dean Smith comes out dressed like an old stable hand, with overalls and a shotgun. He’ll go stand over his old stud Vince, wipe a tear from his eye, and pull the trigger. VC will look up into his eyes, draw in his last breath, and say, “Coach…I’m glad it was..you.” This will happen several times a game.
8. High Herbie
Herbie Kuhn has been the symbol of consistency and professionalism for the Raptors since calling games at the SkyDome. Well things are about to change. From now on, every time a Raptor player downs a shot, so does Herbie. A player hits a three? Herbie hits the pipe. What makes this promotion even more entertaining is when Herbie gets really hooked by mid-season, and starts desperately begging players to take shots over the PA as soon as they cross half-court.
9. That Crazy Raptor!
Doesn’t that Raptor do the zaniest things? And the crazier he gets, the more we love him! That is the insight behind this new promotion, where I bring in a number of nutty secret guests to fill the Raptor costumer for a day, each one more insane than the next. Think about it: Martin Lawrence, Margo Kidder, and Robert Blake all wearing Raptor purple! I can’t wait to hear the first young boy ask his father “Daddy, why is the Raptor peeing in a bottle?” To which the father replies, “Because the Raptor is Gary Busey.”
10. Pin the Tail on Peddie
I’ll run this promotion early and often. During timeouts, I’ll bring some lucky contestant down to mid-court for a chance to pin a pink slip to Richard Peddie’s ass. If he hits the bulls-eye, the former Pillsbury chief can let out that adorable “hmm hmm hmmm” giggle.
Well Larry, I hope you find this letter and this letter finds you well. I may not have the business brains or the silver tongue you’re looking for in a front-office employee, but I have got the biggest, bluest set of balls that that you’ve ever seen on Bay Street. You know how to find me.
Slaughter! Slaughter! Slaughter!
- The Blue Baller
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