Be careful what you ask for. That was the lesson The Blue Baller learned on Thursday night. It was only a few weeks ago I was pining for the Raptors to sign a goon ( See My Application for GM) and looked what happened. Now Araujo may not be the exact cross between Chyna and Joe Klein that I was hoping for, but he is pretty damn close. Sure he was picked a bit high at #8, but the first time he knocks somebody on their ass and picks them up by their balls, guess who’s running to eBay to buy his BYU throwback. Until that happens, I thought I’d share a few other thoughts and observations from Draft Night.
1. The Measurements
Ever measure your wingspan? Thought so. Since when did the NBA start measuring basketball players horizontally? I thought GM’s were drafting players, not picking out a hanglider. And why should I care how tall someone is without their shoes on? With commentators taking measurements to the extreme, I wouldn’t have been surprised me to hear Andy Katz read, “Well, Emeka Okafor is 6-9 without shoes, has a 7-4 wingspan, 36 inch waist, and Holy-Matt-Maloney you do not want to stand next to this guy in the shower.”
2. Jameer Nelson
Ahhh the Draft Day Loser. There’s one every year, and this time it was Jameer Nelson. Unfortunately for viewers, Nelson was much too mature for this normally entertaining part of the evening. There’s nothing like the guilty-pleasure of watching players like John Wallace and Rashard Lewis experience a damaging psychological breakdown on live television, pick, by pick, by pick, by pick. In fact I’d support an alternate version of the draft along the lines of Superstar USA where the GM’s pick the worst players eligible and Tone Loc breaks the news to them in the Green Room and takes their hats back at the end of the night. This way Ivan Chiriaev doesn’t have to pull out.
3. The Hats
Ok, its your big day, you’re fresh from the barber, you’ve got a great new suit, your name gets called, you walk on stage, and someone puts a cap on you the size of a toilet bowl. Seriously, are adjustable hats strictly a Canadian thing? Why not push this entertaining part of the evening even further to really embarrass players. Get drafted by the Mavs, you get an oversized foam cowboy hat. Celtics? A miniature green leprechaun derby. Going to Washington? Here’s your giant Merlin cap and matching wand. Smile!
4. High School Stats
Do I really need to know a player’s high school stats? Do you think a GM compared Dwight Howard’s 25 PPG scoring average in high school to the 21 Ben Gordon averaged during the NCAA tournament? Ok, bad example. But seriously, it’s like a casting director reviewing resumes and comparing Pat Mastroianni’s 4 Gemini nominations to Al Pacino’s Oscar.
5. US vs. International Reactions
I find it fascinating to see the different reactions between American and International players when they get picked. The American players are always sitting down with a colour-coordinated entourage, and when the player gets called an old woman yells ‘Praise the Lord’ and they all pile into an Escalade and drive up to meet David Stern.
International players are a tad more subdued. They are usually sitting quietly at a table eating cabbage sandwiches, and when the player gets called, he gets up, kisses his father, and walks past his mother who is busy knitting away.
6. Tribe Names “The Chicago Bulls select Luol Deng from the Dinka Tribe”. Oh that Luol Deng. And to think all of this time I thought they were talking about one of the African Baka Pygmy Dengs. So I guess those Dinka’s must live near North Carolina, because I’m almost positive that this guy played at Duke.
7. The Commentators
It’s official. If you want to be a basketball analyst on television, you need to be insane. Just look at this crew.
- Stephen A Smith. Calm down man. This guy is slowly morphing into the ‘angry black comic’, one espresso away from a Chris Rock-like rant about what bugs him about white people.
- Jay Bilas. Creepy. He may look like Ted McGinley, but when he stares into the camera and talks about a great looking kid that he has been watching for a long, long time, I get a serious pedophile vibe.
- Dick Vitale. Chuck Swirsky, please give this man some of your Ritalin. If one more high schooler was picked ahead of Jameer I think they’d find Dickie with a bag of ammo in a Toronto park getting talked out of a killing rampage by a friendly dog.
8. Downside Potential
My favourite comment of the night came from Jay Bilas talking about Josh Smith. Bilas waxed on about how if there is anyone in this draft that will be a bust, it will definitely be this kid. I’m so glad to hear that we’re now also considering downside potential. I was waiting for Jay to throw in a few more sunny predictions, like selecting the player he thought was most likely to commit a felony.
9. One Great Reaction
Sasha Vujacic come one down! Did anyone else see this Slovenian player leap out of his seat and sprint down the aisle from the MSG nosebleeds when he was drafted by the Lakers? I swear I thought he was going to kiss a blushing David Stern on the cheek like he was Bob Barker.
10. The Russians 
Was anyone else thoroughly intrigued by the Trailblazers selecting two Russian teammates? I smell reality show! Who wouldn’t want to watch these guys hanging at Z-Randolph’s crib playing dominos with Damon Stoudamire? Throw in Bronson Pinchot to host this is a hit. Book it.
Well you can’t always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need. That pretty much sums up my thoughts on the Hoffa pick. We may have wanted someone more well known, but we badly need this bloodthirsty killing machine. So Norma Wick, alert the Eastern Conference: stock up on body bags.
Slaughter! Slaughter! Slaughter!
- The Blue Baller
Blueballer, we gotta get you on the air.
Posted by: Chris Kelly | July 12, 2004 at 07:35 PM
Gold baby, gold
Posted by: Nate | July 15, 2004 at 09:57 PM