Just when I thought this GM cattle call was winding down, I read that Larry T wants to see a few more faces. So before the Raptors brain-trust widens its net to the point where they start interviewing unemployed managers like Mr. Fuji and Bobby ‘The Brain’ Heenan, I have decided to do something about it. Attention Raptors Brass: The Blue Baller is officially available for an interview! To prove I’m serious, here are the Top 10 things that I would do turn this rudderless raft of a franchise around…
1. Improve International Scouting
Quick! What is the worst international import to Toronto in the last 10 years: Nate Huffman, Alek Rodojevic, or SARS? Close call. Honestly, who is scouting for the Raptors overseas? Rod Black? One of the first items on my GM to-do list is to build a crack force of international slimeballs responsible for shamelessly ingratiating themselves into the lives of tall teenagers around the world. And I will be a poor man’s Kofi Annan overseeing the whole operation.
2. Sign a Goon
Since when did all basketball players need to be skilled? The Raptors badly need to fill Oakley’s vacant thug role. As GM, I’ll make sure to sign some embarrassingly 1-dimensional player and put him in charge of cracking skulls—and that’s it. In fact, If he finishes a game with less than 5 fouls or more than 5 points, he’s waived. I’m thinking Jahidi White without the charisma, Mark Madsen without the emotional stability, some bastard son of Chyna and Joe Klein! And this monster may not even be in the league right now, he’s probably fighting dogs in some bus station parking lot. But I’ll find him. And like Colonel Troutman, I’ll stand proudly on the sidelines watching my glossy-eyed killing machine demonize the game of basketball, telling Norma Wick in pre-game interviews that any opposing team better have a lot of body bags when they come to play at the ACC.
3. Field offers for Vince
Now settle down, notice I didn’t say, “trade Vince”. Obviously it is impossible to recommend any trade unless you know what you’re getting back in return. Sure I might trade in my current job for a shot at being the official Dance Pack oiler, but for a position as Jayson William’s groundskeeper? I’ll pass, thanks. What I will do is determine what VC is actually worth, and I think it’s a lot more than what conventional basketball wisdom tells us. The fact that he is the largest All-Star draw is of particular value to teams struggling with attendance. All that I’ll have to say is “No one is untouchable” in my introductory press conference and fellow GMs will get the picture: “Hey Atlanta, New Orleans, and Charlotte…call me with your best offer for VC.”
4. Get me some Darryl Armstrong 
Yes I realize he’s like 40 years old and isn’t even that good. It doesn’t matter. Armstrong has got one more year left in his tank and one more year left on his contract. And for that year, I think he can provide the Raptors with three things that we badly need: (1) a vocal leader that takes the heat off VC (like what Armstrong did with T-Mac), (2) the missing JYD hustle factor to win back the crowd, and (3) a competent back-up point guard that can play 4th quarter minutes. Plus he reminds me of Pinball Clemens, if Pinball got charged with assaulting a female police officer at a strip club.
5. Employ Doug Collins as my Right-Hand Man
Collins has one of the highest basketball IQ’s in the business, and it pains me to see him slumming on TV. Watching him match wits with the likes of Tom Tolbert is like watching Sydney Pottier trade lines with Phillip Michael Thomas. The reason why Collins hasn’t enjoyed much NBA management success is that he’s wound up so tight he looks like a rooster after a double espresso. Well what I’m going to do is make him my backroom consiglieri, so he can give me valuable advice away from the spotlight that would inevitably lead him to another embarrassing public meltdown. And to make sure he stays relaxed, I’ll get Dougie hooked on Yanni, smoking pot, and provide him with an open-ended tab at a massage parlour near Pearson Airport.
6. Compete for Championship, in 2007
A key challenge impacting a number of GMs today is their relatively short contracts. The fact that they must deliver results in a relatively short period of time clouds their judgment and leads them to make costly long-term mistakes. Well I recognize the error of this logic and will therefore negotiate a lifetime contract, freeing me to focus on the long-term health of the franchise. Since the Raptors are realistically a few years and a few significant moves away from competing for a championship, I’m not going to make any costly mistakes by overpaying for some high-risk player with potential. I’ll leave it to the other GM’s to fight over Vin Baker or Grant Hill, knowing that both of those guys are one Screwdriver away from forced retirement.
7. Sign an Experienced Coach to a Long Contract
Today’s Raptors are a pretty disillusioned bunch, and with the revolving door of coaches over the past few years it’s hard to blame them. So the new coach that I hire, aside from having to abide by every goddamn thing I say, will need to be experienced. It’s too risky now to hire some hot-shot assistant based on a hunch. I’ll sign a proven commodity to a good contract so players respect him from Day 1. I’m not thinking of someone as high profile as Rudy T, I’m thinking Dave Cowens. I’ve always like this guy, plus I saw an old Boston-Detroit game on TV the other night that cemented my interest. Any guy with red hair who can stare down the entire Pistons bench while wearing circa-70s Celtic nut-huggers can handle a petulant Lamond Murray in his sleep.
8. Get a Hungry Young Guard
Watching Tony Parker, Richard Jefferson, and Dwayne Wade this post-season makes it even more obvious that the Raptors need some great young prospect with more balls than brains coming off the bench. I’ll sign some precocious gym-rat that is chomping at the bit to get in the game when Milt Palacio wets his pants when he’s left open for another 17-footer. Maybe it’s Roger Mason Jr., maybe not, but it seems like that the last young hungry player the Raptors had on their bench was Oliver Miller, and he was one Rolo away from diabetes.
9. Use Pick to Land a Young Washout
Depending on where we land in the lottery, I’ll try to package the pick for a young frontcourt player. I’m thinking Eddie Curry or Kwame Brown, both of whom have trade values that are at an all-time low. If I can allow either one of these young studs to develop in the relative anonymity of Toronto next to Bosh, I’m convinced they’ll pull a Jermaine O’Neal. Taking one of these guys away from their teams now would be the TV equivalent of plucking Tom Hanks from the cast of Bosom Buddies.
10. Keep Peddie in his Place
The first thing that I will do after the ink dries on my contract is walk around the entire ACC urinating on the ground, marketing my territory in clear view of Richard Peddie. If he wants to hang around the team, fine—so long as it’s not taking away from his duties of signing my cheques. I can’t wait until I see him the first home game: “Hey Dick, why don’t you go grab Dougie here a decaf and I’ll have a $13 Export. And hey, don’t forget to pick up Jalen’s zebra-striped Phat Farm suit from the dry cleaners.”
So, that’s the plan Larry, ignore at your peril. But if you do want my help, just give me the signal—turn on the spotlight on the roof of the ACC, illuminating the clouds over Front Street with two perfectly round blue balls. I am also available via email.
- The Blue Baller
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