The Blue Baller here, and I have just awoken from a period of intense self-reflection. It was but a few short weeks ago that I reached a critical juncture in my gonzo sports-blogging career with the publication of The All Herpes Team. This particular article not only stimulated some of the most passionate and creative responses from my readership (kudos to the ‘fan’ who attempted to transmit herpes to The Blue Baller via email), but it also resulted in my quick dismissal from The Score’s website as a regular columnist. So what should an attention-starved writer craving genuine commercial success to do?
To answer that question I crawled deep into the bowels of the Baller Cave and ruminated until I determined three clear courses of action:
Option 1: Tone down the columns so they are less offensive and more suitable for mainstream publication.
Option 2: Cover more traditional areas of sports journalism, such as reporting on games and commenting on recent news.
Option 3: Become even more offensive, to the point where my readers and I are forced to question our own humanity.
I have chosen Option 3. As such, I have the pleasure of bringing to you my latest creation, The Blue Baller’s Tournament of Assholes (TOA).
What’s the TOA?
It’s simple: Picture your favourite basketball tournament. Now fill it with assholes. Think the Final Four crossed with Monster’s Ball, set in Oz, and sponsored by Cops. That's right, the teams in this tournament are not merely players drafted by a particular franchise, they are teams bound by a more meaningful thread: a common human weakness.
How does a player make a team?
Let me make this perfectly clear:
- Possess superior basketball skills? Super, go coach a kid.
- Have a winning attitude? Dandy, go write a book.
- Murder your limo driver and shoot your pet dog? Welcome home Jayson Williams, you’ve got a roster spot in the Tournament of Assholes!
So who wins?
That’s the best part—it’s up to you! After I preview all of the teams over the next two weeks (and figure out how to set-up an online poll), you will vote on which particular set of talented athletes/deeply flawed human beings that you feel should win the title of Champion Asshole. For a man is not an asshole, until his fellow man titles him so.
So tell your friends. The Blue Baller is back, and this frustrated basketball fan is ready to fucking blow.
Next Week: Preview of the Miscreant Division