Do you remember when you were a child, brimming over with joy after receiving an unexpected gift? Well now you know how I felt on Monday morning after reading the Toronto Star. It was like Blue Baller Christmas.
In case you haven’t heard about this modern day love story, Morris Peterson is being sued for $1.5 Million by a woman who claims he knowingly infecting her with genital herpes. The ‘herpee’ is Daphne Charlemagne, a teacher and model, who is demanding to be compensated for modeling wages lost as a result of her new STD. Well it is nice to hear that vagina models are so well paid these days.
But what I really want to talk about today is Mo. Although he has been an embarrassing sore-spot for coaches for only showing up periodically throughout the season, everyone recognizes that his unselfish style of play is contagious and his energy dangerously infectious.
It is this reason why I still see a bright future for Morris Peterson—not as a player for the Raptors—but as the starting shooting guard for The Blue Baller’s All Herpes Team! That’s right Mo, this STD lawsuit should not be a source of humiliation and embarrassment for you, consider it is an invitation to an exclusive club of NBA players. So Relax Mo, you’re in excellent company. Meet your teammates.
Point Guard: Vernon Maxwell
Well it shouldn’t come as a huge surprise that Mad Max was once sued for giving some lucky female fan a permanent souvenir. After all, this case amounts to a simple cold sore on Maxwell’s lengthy police record. But the notable part about Vern’s case is that after he was sued, he refused to show up in court. Ever. Does anyone else think Vernon Maxwell is just visiting from Hell?
Small Forward: Cliff Robinson
Ever wonder why that game-worn Cliff Robinson headband somehow lost its value early last year? It might have something to do with Uncle Cliffie’s well-publicized cooties. Now all you can get from memorabilia like Cliff’s old water bottle is a minimum bid on eBay and a tingling sensation every three months. Here’s a tip for collectors: if a player suddenly gets traded and grows a thick, dark moustache—sell.
Power Forward: Dennis Rodman
Can you believe that someone was actually surprised to find out they contracted an STD from unprotected sex with human petri dish Dennis Rodman? This cross-dresser frequents transvestite bars, has spent time as Madonna’s boy-toy, and married a post-Fred Durst Carmen Electra. Seriously woman, be happy your genitals didn’t explode on impact. Are you familiar with the theory tracing HIV back to someone having intercourse with a dirty monkey? Well when it comes to Herpes in the NBA, Rodman is the monkey.
Center: Juwan Howard
Juwan Howard is generally known for being a member of the Fab Five, having a huge contract, and being a dependable NBA low-post player. He is also known for having Herpes. Yes, Juwan Howard has generously donated the gift that keeps on giving to two different women. While I do feel sorry for the first plaintiff, I have a difficult time sympathizing with the second. If I haven’t even seen Howard play in person and know he has Herpes, can’t this affectionate fan spend two minutes Googling him to see if he’s clean?
So there it is, a highly competitive and surprisingly well-balanced starting lineup exclusively featuring Herpes-riddled NBA players. I propose that these players come together and tour the world raising awareness about the dangers of Herpes while also informing fans about the potential for lucrative financial benefits from contracting it from NBA players. And the best part: the Valtrex Dancers.
Yes, I too am visiting from Hell.
- The Blue Baller
The Blue Baller is a lover, fighter, and Toronto-based freelance writer. He can be reached at TheBlueBaller@hotmail.com.