The Blue Baller is Dead

Famed for his cerebral brand of basketball analysis, subtle undercurrent wit, and big blue penis logo, The Blue Baller was found murdered Saturday morning on the floor of the Raptor Dance Pak dressing room in the Air Canada Centre. Toronto Police have refused to comment on widespread reports that the respected gonzo sports journalist was killed by an old Dance Pak flame who had grown jealous of his blossoming relationship with Raptor TV personality Norma Wick, as the investigation is ongoing.

The Blue Baller’s death in many ways mirrors his life—an unsolved mystery. Born in the early 1970s, The Blue Baller was the bastard son of Wilt Chamberlain and Toronto-area stripper, who reportedly delivered the infant on the same El Mocambo pool table upon which he was conceived. The remainder of The Blue Baller’s story remains a rich mosaic of rumour, lore, and legend.

Best known as the father of the Tournament of Assholes, which he was developing into an annual telethon at the time of his death, The Blue Baller leaves a long legacy. The selfless icon of frustrated basketball fans was so devoted to his beloved Toronto Raptors that the he continually offered the team free expert counsel and actually considered becoming the team’s General Manager. However, it was his keen understanding of the theatre of sport where The Blue Baller truly shined. The visionary proposed to Raptor brass a variety of progressive in-game fan promotions, and unfortunately takes to his early grave a number of promising but unfinished promotional concepts including 6 Degrees of Kevin Willis, Guess Who’s High?, Best Lap in the House, and Shoot…For Your Life.

Friends and loved ones remain stunned by the sudden and violent end to The Blue Baller’s life, especially those closest to the game. Sportscasters Leo Rautins and Jack Armstrong were visibly shaken during the Toronto Police Department press conference, finding solace in the arms of Brass Rail strippers and cans of Michelob, respectively. Hardest hit was Chuck Swirsky, the sportscaster who corresponded with The Blue Baller a number of times regarding the writer’s controversial Raptor Euro-Plan. The voice of the Raptors choked back tears as he announced during a recent broadcast that he will introduce the new tribute catchphrase “You’ve been Blue Balled!” whenever a ball gets lodged between the rim and backboard during a game.

NBA players are also shocked and saddened, particularly those recognized by The Blue Baller for their colourful off-court behaviour. TOA Winner Jayson Williams, who credits The Blue Baller for giving him the kick start he needed for his recent CBA comeback, explained, “BB had a profound understanding of our modern sports-celebrity culture, particularly as it relates to today’s multi-millionaire NBA athlete, and our need to disregard those laws that govern the rest of society—like no dog shooting.” Morris Peterson, the starting shooting guard for The Blue Baller’s All Herpes Team, has yet to publicly comment on the incident, instead privately dedicating the remainder of his season to the memory of the exiled Score.ca scribe.

The Blue Baller’s funeral service was held on Monday morning after being moved to the ACC to accommodate the large number of mourners. The somber crowd was filled with fans, homeless, as well as celebrities from Brock University Radio and RickBrunson.com. After The Blue Baller was eulogized at half-court by a tearful Nav Bhatia, Herbie Kuhn silenced the crowd with a stunning version of Ave Maria. The mood lightened only after the attendees realized they could exchange their mass cards for pizza.

He will be missed.

The Blue Baller is a lover, fighter, and Toronto-based freelance writer. He can be reached at TheBlueBaller@hotmail.com.

Comments

[Slooch]

Dead?! Now the rest of him is going to match the colour of his balls. From this day forward, I will lovingly and adoringly refer to him as Big Blue.

Slooch

[Scott]

R.I.P., Blue. Don't stay dead for long.

[homie]

i dunt get it

[maynard]

he's not dead, he just needs a fluffer

[suds]

Talked to an ACC Janitor yesterday...says he saw what appeared to be Blue in the shadows at the south part of the building. I'm a believer...Blue's not dead! In the early 90's Blue was known to hang with Tu Pac, so who knows?

[Lacqued]

BB,

Please, somehow, reincarnate yourself! Rob Babcock must have given you the gift of creating more testicular tension than even Vince Carter or Richard Peddie managed to in the past. For the good of humanity, please - as the quintissential frustrated Raptors fan - unleash this unprecedented degree of tension with greater force, distance and spread than any other Raptors fan could muster like only you can (in other words, you're like the Peter North of frustrated Raptors fans). I implore you to plaster the Web with copious loads of your honeyed, cerebral invectives about all that is not righteous on the Good Ship Raptor!!!