Welcome back to the Tournament of Assholes (TOA)! It’s the Blue Baller here and I have the pleasure and honour of presenting to you the left-hand side of our tournament bracket: The Miscreant Division. Remember, the winner of the TOA is ultimately up to you, so lean in like a victim behind a one-way mirror and take a good hard look at the starting line-ups of Packin Heat, The Lane Violators, The Munchies, and The Beaters!
Introducing Packin Heat, a team filled with proud owners of the NBA’s most fashionable accessory—the loaded unregistered handgun! These players are not only talented, they also possess that rare combination of rampant paranoia and poorly developed social skills. So attention opponents and liquor store clerks, when Packin Heat hits your town, Duck!
Captain: Allen Iverson
AI’s custom-made handgun allows him to shoot over 35 shots in a single evening.
Marcus Fizer
Go ahead, remind him how good he was in college. Seriously, I dare you.
Gilbert Arenas
Unresolved anger issues? Well, his name is Gilbert.
Anthony Peeler
Wonder why KG didn’t retaliate when Peeler hit him with that cheap shot last year?
Scottie Pippen
Pippen’s Gun: Smith & Wesson’s Second Banana. This pistol’s superior engineering and built-in silencer feature ensures that the shooter achieves maximum success, while attracting minimal attention—even if they are desperately seeking recognition for their accomplishments.
When you’re playing The Lane Violators, don’t expect to be in the driver’s seat! This team features a dangerously up-tempo offense with players who drive the lane with reckless abandon, giving no thought to causing injury to themselves or others! These players find victory intoxicating, and refuse to ever take a night off or a taxi ride home!
Captain: Rod Strickland
Anyone feel comfortable riding shotgun with 4-time DUI offender Rowdy Roddy? Uh, thanks for the offer Rod, but I’ll just hop on the back of this dirt bike with the blind armless guy.
Stephon Marbury
2001. Jerry Colangelo on trading recently arrested Jason Kidd for Marbury: “I need to ensure that this is a team comprised of individuals of character that this is a team that Phoenix fans can be proud of.”
2002. Jerry Colangelo on Marbury’s DUI conviction: “At least he’s not a wife-beater”
Zach Randolph
This promising southpaw forward is a symbol of consistency. Every night he’ll give you 20 and 10 from the left-block and 80 in a 40 in the left-hand lane. Honk!
Kwame Brown
Can you imagine the pressure of being personally selected as the #1 pick straight out of high-school by the greatest player in NBA history to help him win a Championship and complete his legacy? It’s enough to drive a man to drink and drive.
Dennis Rodman
In 1993, a suicidal Dennis Rodman was found in his truck in a Detroit parking lot with a loaded shotgun.
In 2004, a drunk Dennis Rodman was found on a motorcycle after partying all night at Los Vegas strip club.
Folks, this is progress.
Don’t be fooled by the lackadaisical demeanor of The Munchies, this team can light it up! Whether it’s clogging the lane to the hoop or the lane through Airport security, these players also have an unquenchable hunger for solid interior defense. So stock up the buffet table and sound the Burning Spear—here come The Muchies!
Captain: Damon Stoudamire
“Mr. Stoudamire, did you pack this bag and are aware of all of its contents?”
“Everything but the 2 ounces of weed in tin-foil. It bought that shit pre-wrapped.”
Rasheed Wallace
“Please leave your message after the beep: Yo Sheed, its Damon. I’m marinatin' here with the Camby-Man, and we’ve come up with a dope way for you to chill out and stop getting all of those T’s. Meet me an hour before tip-off in the back of my van.”
Carmelo Anthony
“Please leave your message after the beep: Hey Melo? It’s me, The Blue Baller. Listen, thanks again for letting me crash at your place after camping last weekend, but uh, you know that backpack you leant me? Well, uh, I think I might have left something in it. So, yeah, uh, I’ll need to get that back. Call me as soon as you get this.”
Keon Clark
“Please leave your message after the beep: Hi Keon, this is your agent Tony Dutt. Remember when I told you I could get $7M per year? Well I guess I should have clarified that I based that number on you NOT getting arrested for marijuana possession during my contract negotiations with the Sacramento. Hope you enjoyed that joint—you’re getting the mid-level exception.”
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
“Mr. Jabbar, what do you plead?”
“Not guilty Your Honour. I’m a skinny old man who suffers from glaucoma and terrible headaches. I’m not sure if marijuana was made for me, or if I was made for marijuana.”
“Dismissed.”
Well the honeymoon is over when The Beaters come to town! This is one volatile group with the two key habits of every successful team: (1) they are far more aggressive at home than they are when they are away, and (2) they never play down to the competition—they actually take pleasure in beating weaker opponents! Just don’t try to disrespect them on their home court or bitch about taking out the garbage!
Captain: Jason Kidd
Conventional Wisdom: Joumana Kidd joyfully attends every Nets game because she wants to show support for her husband.
Blue Baller Wisdom: Joamana Kidd is so happy at Nets games because it is the only time she feels safe.
Glenn Robinson
Does George Karl only coach teams filled with assholes, or does he actually have the power to turn his players into assholes too? Discuss.
Dale Ellis
During his time in the NBA, Ellis’ opponents found themselves vulnerable to interior penetration when defending against his deadly outside shooting.
During his time in prison, Ellis found himself vulnerable to interior penetration when defending himself against his deadly shooting inmates.
Kurt Thomas
"Listen to me! Look I’m talking to you! Look at me—here, in my properly-functioning eye!"
Jason Richardson
Slam Dunk Champ J-Rich plans to defend his title this year with his new dunk called The Restraining Order. He will attempt to leap over his ex-girlfriend who is holding their 4-year old son and violently dunk the basketball. If he touches her, Richardson spends All-Star Weekend in the pisshouse.
Think The Miscreant Division is tough? You haven’t seen anything yet.
Next Week: Preview of the Hellion Division
The Blue Baller is a lover, fighter, and Toronto-based freelance writer. He can be reached at TheBlueBaller@hotmail.com
Uh, the Beaters are missing star reserve Ruben Patterson (unless you're planning on featuring him in the next installment). The Chief, Robert Parish should also have his double-0 retired to the rafters of the Beaters arena too.
Posted by: Bradley T Hughes | November 12, 2004 at 02:13 PM
you rule the world
Posted by: Nate | November 12, 2004 at 07:19 PM
Doesn't Alvin Robertson belong in here?
Posted by: K | November 15, 2004 at 02:22 PM
Patterson? Robertson? Am I the only one here that can distinguish between a convicted wife beater and a serial rapist? Puhhhleeeeze.
Posted by: The Blue Baller | November 15, 2004 at 11:53 PM
Please add Ron Artest to the Beaters team.
Posted by: Fat Detroit Fan | November 23, 2004 at 08:40 PM